Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It's never too late to be topless.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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