I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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