I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
