Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
