my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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