Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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