he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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