I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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