I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
