You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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