i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
