You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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