I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
