Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
