Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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