if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
