dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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