Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
