I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this beer tastes like vomit already
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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