I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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