I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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