Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
