Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
