why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
