You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
