That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
