his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
