I puked a lego.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I will pee on everything he values.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize