I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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