I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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