I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
