yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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