You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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