You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
