im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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