Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
