All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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