Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
