wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
