I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
