Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
