we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
