So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Randomize
