can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
