She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
