o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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