it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
