If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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