Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
