that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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