Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
