the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
