I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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