As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she smelled like a LAN party
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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