i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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